"ISLANDS"
a Tragicomedy by Andrea Jeva
(Translated from the Italian by Albert Bell)

Characters: 
Mr. Fausto Ranieri – Civil servant, about 40 years old. Will 
also play the part of Jack, the "resident" head of a 
research team on a South Pacific island 
Signora Regina – Civil servant, about 55 years old. Will also 
play the part of Jeanette, a "resident" member of the 
research team on the South Pacific island.
Chiocchioloni – Owner of a funeral home, about 65 years old. 
Will also play the part of Trevor, Emily's uncle, and 
"resident member of the research team on the island.
Sandretta – Chiocchioloni's assistant, about 20 years old. 
Will also play Emily, Trevor's niece and "resident" member 
of the research team on the island.
Moreno Papi – Citizen, about 30 years old. Will also play 
Bruce, a volunteer on the research team on the South 
Pacific island. Will also play the part of a Robber.
Ines Zyp – About 30 – 35 years old. Dutch. Speaks with 
accent.

The author's copyright to "Islands" is protected and safeguarded 
by S.I.A.E. (Società Italiana degli Autori ed Editori). Stage 
performances and publications are subject to royalties. All 
requests regarding rights are to be addressed to: S.I.A.E. / 
Sezione D.O.R. / Viale della Letteratura 30 / 00144 Roma – Italy. 
The author asks to be informed of every production of this work. 
The author can be contacted by e-mail: 
info@andrea-jeva.it – website: http://www.andrea-jeva.it or via 
regular post addressed to: Andrea Quacquarelli, Via Pinturicchio 
1, 06122 Perugia, Italy, Tel. +39/075/5732798


(The theater is dark, music from the south seas fades in. After a 
short time the scene is illuminated, and an undefined space 
without borders appears. Ines wearing a sulu (south seas attire) 
and a red flower behind her ear dances to the music and beats time 
on a tin can. A large counter as found in a bank or post office 
with glass windows is seen behind Ines. The counter appears to be 
time worn. It has three windows: the first to the left has a sign 
"BIRTHS"; the middle window, "DEATHS"; and the window to the right 
"MARRIAGES". A large sign above reads "OFFICE OF VITAL 
STATISTICS". Just below this sign in the same style of letters but 
more faded another sign reads "SCHOOL". When the action changes 
from the OFFICE to the ISLAND the counter will become the façade 
of the old village school.
After a short time the music fades away to silence and the sound 
of the sea rises, as Ines continues to dance and beat time.
After a short time the light fades to darkness. The sound of the 
sea is still audible. The light rises and the undefined space with 
the counter appears. Ines has gone. The scene is empty. The sound 
of the sea fades away to silence.
Regina comes and goes behind the counter at all three windows; she 
carries bundles of papers and office file folders. She's very 
busy. After a short time Moreno arrives. He paces and smokes 
nervously as if he had been waiting a long time. Then 
Chiocchioloni and Sandretta arrive. They sit at an old time worn 
table and wait silently as if they had been there a long time. 
They smoke with intense calm)

CHIOCCHIOLONI: (a pause, jocular) …So, Mrs. Regina, going to take 
care of us, or not?
REGINA: (keeps working) Chiocchioloni, it's a bad day, how  can I 
tell you? Be patient a little longer and I'll be right with you.
CHIOCCHILONI: (to Moreno) No, she won't… (Apologetically) Take 
care of us, that is.
MORENO: (to Chiocchioloni) Yeah, but… (To Regina) Yeah but, I've 
been here for an hour, ma'm… 
REGINA: (jocular) Hmmph, an hour indeed! It's been half an hour at 
most. Right, Mr. Chiocchioloni?
MORENO: (showing his wristwatch) No, ma'm, it's been exactly 
forty-three minutes by my watch.
REGINA: (keeps working) So what? "Exactly forty-three minutes by 
my watch". I've been here all my life. Tell this fine young man 
Mr. Chiocchioloni.
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (to Moreno, blandly) She's been here all her life.
MORENO: (to Regina, shows her a certificate) Ma'm, I have 
everything ready. It'll just take a minute… Look.
REGINA: "A minute"? It's easy for you to say "a minute". Please, 
don't waste my time, just take a seat with Mr. Chiocchioloni, 
and we'll get everything taken care of right away. It's not my 
fault if the other clerk is home sick and I have to cover for 
her.
MORENO: But it's not my fault either.
REGINA: In fact it's no one's fault.
MORENO: Excuse me, ma'm… But why are you alone working three 
windows.
REGINA: My co-worker is coming. Don't worry.
MORENO: Yeah, but I'm already here, I mean, I came here first 
forty-three minutes ago, forty-four by now.
REGINA: (jocularly severe) I said go sit down with Mr. 
Chiocchioloni, march!
MORENO: No, I'm not sitting down with anybody… (To Chiocchioloni) 
Not because of you, you know, because… (Pause, a gesture of 
impatience towards Regina, huffing. He begins pacing back and 
forth. He lights a cigarette).
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (lighting a cigarette) Let's have a smoke, young 
man, if you're going to get cancer anyway. (Pause, then 
standing, to Regina) So Assunta is sick… It isn't cancer by any 
chance?
REGINA: (looking at him) What a joker our Mr. Chiocchioloni! No, 
too bad for you, she doesn't have anything serious.
CHIOCCHIOLONI - …So she'll be back soon.
MORENO: Please, Mr. Chiocchioloni, don't take up all her time… I 
have lots of things to do this morning.
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (Looks at him. Turns to sit down.) Yes sir.

(Pause. Then Moreno sits beside Chiocchioloni. A moment later 
Fausto enters. He carries a precariously tottering stack of books, 
as if they were precious objects. The three others watch him in 
admiration. He walks slowly like a circus performer in a balancing 
act. He passes by the counter and goes through the door into the 
back office. At a certain point he hurries down stage and the 
others assume stock still positions)

FAUSTO: (to the audience) Today in an inexplicable moment of 
folly, I imagined that I was free forever from the Office of 
Vital Statistics. I experienced my freedom as if the South Seas 
were offering me marvelous islands to discover. But suddenly, 
right in the middle of my flight of fantasy I felt I would be 
sad. I think I've grown fond of this office. Of the plant that 
blooms every spring on the roof of the abandoned warehouse in 
front of our window, even though no one takes care of it. Of the 
light in the third floor apartment that I see from my desk… You 
know? It goes on at exactly 5 p.m. all winter, every winter. And 
then I'm fond of Signora Regina… Of Assunta, of Signor Salvanti 
our supervisor, and of all the other employees in the office 
downstairs… Well, after all this office building is part of my 
life. I couldn't leave here, without feeling that, in spite of 
everything, a part of me would remain here with these things and 
these good people. Then yesterday, a customer… That is, a 
citizen alluded to my salary "must be pretty low"! That's what 
he said. And I got to thinking that maybe I'm really being 
exploited. But since we all have to be exploited by someone or 
something in this life, I prefer to be exploited by the Office 
of Vital Statistics. So every day I step up to my window as if 
it were a fortress that defends me from life. After all, I said 
to myself after my short mental vacation, I'm fond of (pointing 
to the things) these files and records of other lives, where I 
write names and events… Of my blue inkpad of my window (points 
to his counter). For Signora Regina's stooped shoulders …Yes, 
I'm attached to all this, maybe because I have nothing to love 
or maybe because nothing is worthy of another's love. And if I 
have to give love, because that's what I have to do, it's all 
the same, isn't it? If I give my love to the little blue inkpad 
or to the great indifference of people… Isn't it? Yes, it is.

(He then resumes the previous action. The others come back to 
"life". Fausto nods his head "yes" and says to himself, "Just like 
that". When he is about to enter the door behind the counter he 
bumps into something and a book falls. He is in an awkward 
position not knowing how to recover the fallen tome. Everyone 
except Regina watches him in admiration. Everyone "freezes" again 
except Fausto who struggles to recover the book)

SANDRETTA: (after a pause, as if coming out of a trance) Signor 
Fausto, I'll help you…
FAUSTO: (turning toward her, looking daggers) What are you doing?
SANDRETTA: (freezes. Pause. Timidly) Could I help you with that 
Signor Fausto?
FAUSTO: (pointing with his chin toward the fallen book. Brusquely) 
Put it here on top, signorina. (She does).
CHIOCHIOLONI: (as if finding fault) Ah! He let's Sandretta help 
him. Did you see that, signora Regina? He's letting Sandretta 
help him. See. See that.
REGINA: (leaning from her window) No, I can't believe it. (She 
watches for a moment then gets back to work)
FAUSTO: (to Sandretta) Thank you.
SANDRETTA: Don't mention it.
CHIOCCHIOLONI: We're all the same, us tough guys, hey Fausto? 
(laughs) 
FAUSTO: (affabily hostile to Chiocchioloni, enters back office) I 
don't in the least fit the description of "tough guy" my dear 
Chiocchioloni.
CHIOCHIOLONI: (to Sandretta who sits down next to him. He puts his 
arm around her shoulder) All it takes is one young lady and us 
tough guys… (He smiles at her).
SANDRETTA: (she pulls away) Please. (she smiles, he withdraws his 
arm).
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (to Moreno) What do you think of my theory, young 
man? Tough guys and young ladies, eh?
MORENO: (suddenly) Signor Chiocchioloni, you tell her, I just need 
five minutes and I'm out of here.
REGINA: (to Moreno) "Five minutes", indeed! Please, just relax.
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (mimicking Regina) "Five minutes, indeed". Ah, my 
dear young man, everything in its own good time here. (Smells 
the air) Don't you smell something in the air? Something beyond 
the scope of human will? But outside too, haven't you ever 
noticed it? Try going down the street, or to the market, smell 
the air, smell the oranges, or near the vegetable stand… Or even 
the fish (laughs), with those big dead eyes…
SANDRETTA: (interrupting timidly, to Chiocchioloni) The young man 
is in a hurry.
CHIOCCHIOLONI: You'll smell the smell of powerlessness! But even 
around the busses and trains… Right, Fausto?
FAUSTO: (he is now behind the MARRIAGE LICENSES window, writing 
notes) Chiocchioloni, this really isn't the right moment.
MORENO: (to Fausto, showing him a certificate) Excuse me. I need 
to…
FAUSTO: Just a moment, one moment. (He keeps writing)
MORENO: No, excuse me, all I need to do… (Fausto stares icily at 
him) Here, I need to… Just take a look. Everything is in order 
(he shows him the document). See?
FAUSTO: (ignoring the document, forced politeness) I told you to 
wait… A moment. (Begins writing again)
MORENO: But…
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (to Moreno) Young man, come here.
MORENO: (to Chiocchioloni) But he didn't even look at it… (To 
Fausto) You know, you are really rude.
FAUSTO: (mechanically, without looking up) If you want to file a 
complaint, there's the supervisor's office (he points), enter 
through the rear door…
MORENO: It would serve you right. What's your name?
FAUSTO: Fausto Ranieri, go right ahead… (Pointing nonchalantly) 
Enter through the rear door.
CHIOCCHIOLONI: Young man, come here, forget about the complaint. 
Come here. (Moreno comes reluctantly) Have a seat, calm down. 
(Moreno sits reluctantly) What exactly do you have to do?
MORENO: I just need to report…
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (he interrupts) Shhh..What do you have to report? A 
birth?
MORENO: I just have to…
CHIOCCHIOLONI: Or a death? Are you married?
MORENO: No… I mean, yes but I just have to…
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (like before) Shhhh. Let me guess… Let's see. Hold 
still. (He scrutinizes M. walking around him) Uncombed hair… 
Didn't laugh once, so I'd say…
MORENO: Listen, I wouldn't want to be rude with you too…
FAUSTO: (to Moreno) Excuse me, come here please.
MORENO: (turning to Fausto) Who, me?
FAUSTO: Yes, you. Let me see that certificate.
MORENO: (hopeful) Here… (He hands it to him) Everything's ready, 
see?
FAUSTO: (reads it)  No, I can't help you. I just handle marriages. 
You need to speak with signora Assunta but she's out sick today. 
But don't worry (pointing), her co-worker is filling in, speak 
to her. Regina this is for you. (he goes back to writing).
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (rational, as if picking up from before) So, you're 
not getting married.
REGINA: (to Moreno. From the Deaths window) Here I am, young man. 
(flirtatious) I'm all yours finally. Step right up. 
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (stopping him) You have to register a death, maybe? 
No, I doubt it. Too excited. Somebody who registers a death is 
calm. Right, signora Regina? Relaxed. Shall we say resigned?… 
So, it's a birth!
MORENO: Leave me alone, please. (Hopeful, showing his certificate 
to Regina) Here you are, ma'am… Everything's in order.
REGINA: (reads the certificate, then suddenly surprised) Moreno 
Papi! (Looks at him) Moreno Papi… You're the son of Ennio Papi 
and Maria (uncertain) Ost… Maria Ort…
MORENO: (hesitant) Maria Orlandi… Why?
REGINA: (remembering) Orlandi that's it! How time flies… How old 
are you? Thirty?
MORENO: (hesitant) No… Twenty-seven.
REGINA: Twenty seven years! It's been that long. Do you know that 
your father came to me here to register your birth? I was 
handling births too back then. Assunta came later, when they 
started dying and being born like crazy, eh Chiocchioloni? 
(laughs, to Moreno) Because these days they don't just drop like 
flies, but they make babies like there was no tomorrow. I don't 
know why everybody says the birth rate is down.
CHIOCCHIOLONI: Signora Regina, the city has grown in the past 
thirty years… (To Moreno) She just doesn't want to face facts.
MORENO: Signora, my certificate, please.
REGINA: "Moreno", I remember, you know. You father walked right 
through that door (she points to the door behind the counter). I 
was so young. Back then the entrance was right there, that very 
same door… I remember how your father came running in and…

(Rising sound of the sea. Dark. Carried by the wind, distant 
crying of a newborn baby. Lights come up. The same counter and 
windows as seen so far. The word "SCHOOL" is more illuminated than 
in the previous set. No one behind the three windows. The lights 
grow brighter, and from the door indicated by Regina, Bruce in 
sulu and T-shirt comes running in. He is overjoyed as he heads 
toward the table, shouting: "It's a boy! It's a boy!". Then he 
stops and looks at the empty table. In the same moment Trevor and 
Emily in tropical clothing enter and sit at the rectangular table. 
They carry cups of tea and after a brief lapse of time they react 
to Bruce's shouts)

TREVOR and EMILY: (surprised, together) Bruce! 

(The baby's cries fade, the sound of the sea continues)

BRUCE: Trevor, my wife just had a baby! (shout of joy) Emily, it's 
a boy!
TREVOR: (to Emily) Behold another victim of happiness. (He 
approaches Bruce) Congratulations! Good to see you again, Bruce. 
(He hugs him) But if I were you, I'd make my escape. And not 
tomorrow… Run for it, now, Bruce!
BRUCE: (amused) Why should I escape? I'm happy.
TREVOR: Exactly!
EMILY: (to Trevor) Quit kidding around, Uncle.
TREVOR: Kidding? I'm dead serious. (To Bruce) Get out while the 
getting's good, my boy. (As if sharing a secret) Happiness 
kills.
BRUCE: (laughs) I think unhappiness is far more lethal, Trevor.
TREVOR: No, that's where you young people have got it all wrong. 
It kills a lot less, a whole lot less. In fact in small doses 
unhappiness helps you survive.
EMILY: Uncle Trevor, cut it out. (To Bruce) We didn't have any 
news about you for days. How's Mary?
BRUCE: Fine. She stayed on the main island, in the hospital with 
the baby. She has to nurse him, you know.
TREVOR: By the way, how's the baby doing?
BRUCE: (blandly) Fine.
TREVOR: So much the worse!
BRUCE: He just has to learn to breathe. (Nervous laugh) The doctor 
said he's going to need the incubator for a while. But 
everything went well. (Joyful) He was born yesterday morning at 
five.
TREVOR: Poor little thing.
EMILY: (shaking his hand) Congratulations, Bruce. (She hugs him) 
Come and sit with us. Care for a little tea?
BRUCE:  Sure, thanks.
EMILY: (sits down) And you and Mary don't mind staying here in 
Namara for a while?
BRUCE: Well, we do have a lot of things to do in Auckland, but 
when a new baby comes along, nothing else matters. You'll see 
for yourself some day…
EMILY: Oh no, I'm not going to have children. I'm never getting 
married. (Smiles).
TREVOR: Well said!
BRUCE: (to Emily) That's what everyone says. But yesterday morning 
when I saw my son, I felt this overwhelming need to protect him. 
Like an animal ready to sacrifice its own life to save the life 
of its cub. Its an indescribable sensation… Like nothing else 
I'd ever felt before.
TREVOR: Watch out, Bruce. 
BRUCE: What do I care, Trevor? I'm happy! I've got a son! (shout 
of joy) Jeanette! (he runs to the "BIRTHS" window. He sticks his 
head in the window as if it were the window of the school). 
Jeanette, it's a boy!
JEANETTE: (tropical attire, she looks out the window) Bruce! What 
a surprise. When did you get here?
BRUCE: Just this second.
JEANETTE: (facing towards the interior of the school) Jack, come 
here, look who's here. (she exits the school. To Bruce) I'm so 
glad, I didn't expect it so soon. Congratulations! (She hugs 
him) How's Mary?
BRUCE: Fine, thanks.
JEANETTE: (calling into the school) Jack! Hurry up, Bruce is here.
JACK: Here I am, Jeanette. Didn't you see me go out before? (He 
approaches calmly from behind them. He's bare-chested and wears 
a sulu. He carries palm fronds, two coconuts and a machete. He 
smiles).
JEANETTE: Oh, yes, how silly of me. Look who's here, Jack. 
JACK: I heard, Bruce. It was wonderful to watch you. Don't pay any 
attention to Trevor. He's an old cynic. 
TREVOR: Thanks a lot.
JACK: (to Bruce) Congratulations! (He puts down his load and hugs 
him) A boy, huh?
BRUCE: (awkwardly) Yes… But even if he were a girl… I'm just so 
happy.
JACK: There's something very important about this birth, you know. 
You and Mary are the first couple of volunteers to have a baby 
on this island. The natives will be happy when we tell them. I'm 
sure the village chief will send you a present. (He picks up a 
coconut and opens it with the machete).
JEANETTE: The first New Zealander to be born here. It's wonderful!
TREVOR: Actually since he was born here, he's a native.
JEANETTE: Of course, silly me. (To Bruce) But you knew what I 
meant, didn't you?
BRUCE: Yes. It was a nice compliment. Thanks, Jeannette.
JEANETTE: Once we had another couple of volunteers here who were 
expecting a baby but then they decided to go back home to New 
Zealand for the birth.  And I can see their point. I have such 
nostalgia for the streets of Auckland… I don't understand why 
they never got back in touch, not a single letter.
TREVOR: They were probably terrified of your affection.
JEANETTE: Or of your cynicism. Emily, your uncle gets worse every 
day. You really should do something about him.
TREVOR: Why? You wouldn't know what to do without me. Admit it. 
(laughs).
EMILY: If you miss Auckland so much, why don't you go back, 
Jeanette?
JEANETTE: Go back home? No, no I ran away from Auckland. It was 
too hard chasing my desire. Here it's the desires that come 
chasing after me… (Laughs).
JACK: And have they found you?
JEANETTE: Who?
TREVOR: Your desires!
JEANETTE: (as if taunting Trevor) Yes, plenty.
JACK: Would you two stop bickering! We have to celebrate with 
Bruce. Have you picked a name?
BRUCE: Andrew.
JACK: Andrew… Good name.
BRUCE: (looks around) Where's Ines? (distant music, same as at the 
beginning).
EMILY: (brief pause. Looking toward the hypothetical rock) Ines 
went up on her rock with her kids. She's so worried these days.
JEANETTE: (to Bruce) She'll be so happy when she gets back 
tonight, and hears the good news.
JACK: (holding out the split coconut to Bruce) To Andrew!
BRUCE: (taking the coconut) Yes, to my son Andrew… (Takes a sip of 
coconut milk).

(Jack gestures to pass the coconut to Trevor and everyone with a 
solemn air drinks toasting "To Andrew". Ines has entered dancing 
in time with the music, she is dressed as in the first scene and 
beats the time on a metal box. She weaves dancing through the 
crowd but doesn't seem to see the others as she approaches them. 
The others slowly exit as the pat Bruce on the back. Jack picks up 
his palm fronds as he exits. Ines keeps dancing and beating time. 
Light fades out. The music and rhythm are heard in the dark. The 
music fades away. The clicking of typewriter keys is heard. The 
clicking more or less picks up the same rhythm as the music. 
Lights come up. The vital statistics office. Ines is no longer 
present. Everyone else, except for Fausto, is gathered around the 
DEATHS window. Fausto is typing near the MARRIAGES window).

REGINA: (to Moreno) Ah, such memories. Yours was a very risky 
birth, you know. You know you were born three months 
prematurely. 
MORENO: Two and a half months.
REGINA: Yes, but your mother "felt the contractions a long time 
before going to the hospital"… That's the way your father put 
it. And you, young man, (lowering her voice) had trouble 
breathing when you were born. Did you know that? (Moreno nods) 
Your mother had to breast feed you for quite some time at the 
hospital before taking you home. You were saved by the 
incubator. I remember it all very well. (Enthusiastically) 
Chiocchioloni! At a certain point this young man's father was so 
happy he pulled out a bottle of wine that he had hidden 
somewhere. He offered us all a drink of his excellent wine. Even 
Salvanti. Fausto! Just imagine. Everybody here with the boss 
drinking wine. You hadn't started working here yet. (She notices 
that he keeps typing) Did you hear me, Fausto?
FAUSTO: (keeps typing) Yeah, yeah.
MORENO: I'm really in a hurry, ma'am. Believe me. Please.
REGINA: Oh, I beg your pardon. (Picks up her papers) You almost 
died as soon as you were born. Ah, what beautiful memories. Step 
right up, Mr. Moreno. (She takes him to the BIRTHS window)
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (to Moreno) A birth! See? Was I right or what?
MORENO: (impatient) Yeah, sure… (He avoids Chiocchioloni as he 
goes to the window).
CHIOCCHIOLONI: Signora Regina, then Sandretta and I have to take 
care of our things. Don't forget.
REGINA: (weary) Yes, Chiocchioloni, yes. But let's be quick about 
it. Get everything in order, please.
CHIOCCHIOLONI: Yes, ma'am. Whatever you say.

(Regina notices something that concerns Moreno. Chiocchioloni goes 
toward the table to pick up his briefcase. Sandretta gets there 
before him and brings him the briefcase. Chiocchioloni opens it 
and pulls out the folder of certificates and looks them over. Then 
he leans on the table waiting his turn at the DEATHS window. 
Sandretta assumes the same position and attitude. Fausto keeps 
typing).

REGINA: (writes. To Moreno) And how is your mother? Such a fine 
woman.
MORENO: Yes…
REGINA: Your father was so proud. (She pauses) By the way, how's 
your father? He used to come to see us every now and then. Then 
he stopped.
MORENO: He's very well… Finished?
REGINA: …Tell your dad I said hello, don't forget. 
MORENO: Have you finished?
REGINA: Yes, here we are. (she pulls out an enormous sheet) Have 
you got your witnesses?
MORENO: (bewildered) Witnesses? What witnesses, ma'am?
REGINA: (mechanically) All the same… You're all the same. No one 
knows that you need witnesses for births. You need at least two, 
my dear Mr. Moreno. And tell me… Do your parents still live near 
the station?
MORENO: Listen, don't keep me in suspense. What's the deal with 
the witnesses?
REGINA: There's no "deal". It's regulation. But don't worry, we'll 
see to this at once. (She looks around) Let's see… Fausto, will 
you come to be a witness?
FAUSTO: (busy) Not now.
MORENO: Excuse me, but couldn't you be my witness?
REGINA: You can't be serious, young man. To begin with I'm one 
person, not two. (Laughs) And then I'm acting in my official 
capacity (shows the enormous sheet, secretively) I have to fill 
out the form.
MORENO: So now what do we do?
REGINA: There's good old Chiocchioloni. Chiocchioloni, be nice and 
come here to witness. (He approaches) You too, Sandretta, 
please. There, now ask them. (Moreno stands still) Hello! You 
have to ask them.
MORENO: Yes, but what?
REGINA: Oh mamma mia! If they'll act as witnesses, that's what.
MORENO: But they already know that! (Chiocchioloni shakes his 
head).
REGINA: (correcting him) Oh no. You have to ask them, officially, 
in my presence. Go on, proceed. 
MORENO: (to Chiocchioloni and Sandretta, humiliated) Will you be 
my witnesses?
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (mechanically, as if performing a time honored 
ritual) Yes, I will bear witness, that is stand witness… I will 
be your witness, with great pleasure.
SANDRETTA: Yes, me too, with great pleasure.
REGINA: (suggesting the correct ceremonial form) …and I will act 
as your witness.
SANDRETTA: (to Moreno) …and I will act as your witness.
REGINA: Fine. Let us now proceed to the standard query: Are you 
ready? (She assumes a ritual air) Mr. Moreno Papi, what name 
have you chosen to bestow upon your child?
MORENO: (excited) Well, my wife and I thought…
REGINA: Just answer the question please. (She repeats verbatim) 
Mr. Moreno Papi, what name have you chosen to bestow upon your 
child?
MORENO: …Andrea.
REGINA: (filling in the form) Signatures and addresses, please. (A 
Moreno) You first. (He signs) Then the witnesses. (They sign) 
Fine. (To Moreno with severity) Young man, when someone poses a 
question in their official capacity, you must only respond to 
the question without undue loquacity. (Imitating him) "My wife 
and I thought…" indeed! You were only to divulge the name of the 
child, do you understand?
MORENO: Yes, yes. Will that be all?
REGINA: (polemical) Almost. (She stamps the form) I really cannot 
fathom… Now, your son has been born.
MORENO: Finished?
REGINA: (deeply moved) Your baby boy… (Breaks out in tears).
MORENO: (exhausted) Now what? 
REGINA: (trying to regain her composure) Nothing, nothing… (Breaks 
out in tears again).
MORENO: What is it, ma'am?
REGINA: Nothing at all. (Weeping).
SANDRETTA: Signora Reagina, come on, don't cry.
FAUSTO: (stops typing) Regina… (He goes to comfort her).
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (to Moreno, calling him aside. Determined) Come 
over here, young man.
MORENO: (goes to Chiocchioloni) Now what?
CHIOCCHIOLONI: Shhh. (Secretively) She's deeply moved.
MORENO: Moved? What for?
CHIOCCHIOLONI: Shh. That's just the way she is. I have a theory 
about Regina. Would you care to hear it?
MORENO: Oh please! That's all I need. Excuse me. (Goes toward 
Regina) Signora…
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (grabs him) Shh. Quiet! (In confidence) You know, 
she's one of the few these days who's still able to grow fond of 
people. Know what I mean? But she'll get over it now. Don't 
worry.
MORENO: What "don't worry"? This place seems like a psycho ward. 
(Chiocchioloni tries to shut him up) I've had enough of this 
lunacy, understand?
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (laughing) Sure I do. (Referring to Regina who is 
still crying) She doesn't though. (Laughs).
MORENO: (getting tense) I can't waste anymore time, Christ! 
(Harshly to Regina) Madam, can I have my certificate? (Regina 
had regained a degree of composure but now bursts out in tears 
again. Moreno to himself) How did I end up in this place?
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (to Moreno, calling him aside) Young man, come…
MORENO: (interrupting) No, I'm not coming anywhere!
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (calm) Look, I'm telling you for your own good… You 
better let her cry a little…even better, go console her.
MORENO: No way!
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (surprised) You don't want to comfort her?
MORENO: No.
CHIOCCHIOLONI: Look, she's crying because of you. She was touched 
by the birth of your son, so you're the one who should console 
her.
MORENO: (to himself) Christ! (To Chiocchioloni) No, I'm not 
consoling her. I don't want to console her!
CHIOCCHIOLONI: So much the worse for you… It's obvious that you 
don't know her.
MORENO: And I don't want to either… 
CHIOCCHIOLONI: No! You mustn't say that. Let me tell you, you 
really mustn't. And do you know why?
MORENO: (exhausted) I don't care. Do you understand? I really 
don't care.
CHIOCCHIOLONI: Well, I'm going to tell you anyway…

(Suddenly music seems to be carried on the wind. Some of 
Chiocchioloni's and the office's sheets of paper are blown across 
the floor. A door slams. A moment later Ines, elegantly dressed, 
enters. Everyone looks at her. Regina stops crying. Fausto returns 
to his window and is charmed by the vision of Ines. Ines looks 
around then goes to the MARRIAGES window. Fausto bows his head and 
begins working. She stands waiting at the window. The music fades 
out)

MORENO: (to Regina almost pleading) So ma'am, should I go…
REGINA: (regains her composure) Yes, yes. Here. (She hands him the 
certificate) You need to take this back to the hospital just as 
it is.
MORENO: (victorious at last) Finally! (He reads it before 
leaving).
REGINA: And give my regards to your wife. By the way, what's her 
name?
MORENO: (absorbed in reading) Maria.
REGINA: Ah yes, Maria. How silly of me. It was written right 
there.
FAUSTO: (suddenly coming out from behind the counter, he hurries 
up to Moreno, grabs the certificate and reads) I knew it! 
Regina, Salvanti hasn't initialed this! (Courteously to Moreno) 
You know, our supervisor has to initial this. (He hands the 
certificate to Regina) Here, Regina. (He goes back behind the 
counter).
MORENO: (to Fausto) The supervisor's initials too?
REGINA: I'm afraid so, Mr. Moreno. It's a new regulation that I 
had forgotten about. It wasn't like that before and, to be 
perfectly honest, it was much better. When they trusted us 
clerks more we worked better. Much, much better. In fact, when I 
started here (dreamily), thirty-five years ago, we were 
responsible for everything…
MORENO: Go to the supervisor, please (he kneels down) …Here, see 
I'm begging you on bended knee.
REGINA: (amused) Look at him, Fausto. What a likable rascal. He's 
begging me on his knees. (flirtatious) I'm going, I'm going. 
I'll just be a moment. I'll be right back. (She goes into the 
back office).
MORENO: (to himself) Christ!
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (to Moreno) I wanted to tell you before, young man…
MORENO: (interrupting) I'm not interested.
CHIOCCHIOLONI: No! You have to hear this. I wanted to tell you 
that Regina is a saint. A kind of saint. That's why you can't 
talk about her the way you did before. Understand?
MORENO: Yeah, yeah… Fine.
INES: (to Fausto who has gone back to his typing. Foreign accent.) 
Excuse me…
FAUSTO: (intimidated by her beauty) One moment, one moment. 
(Types)
INES: (short pause) I need to… (Fausto stares at her silently) I 
need to get married, can I talk to you?
FAUSTO: (enchanted) I told you to wait… A moment. (Awkwardly bows 
his head and types).
INES: Yes, excuse me.

(Everyone is waiting except for Fausto who keeps typing. Moreno 
and Chiocchioloni try to ignore one another. A moment later Regina 
returns)

REGINA: (very contrite) Mr. Moreno I am so sorry…
MORENO: About what? (Pause) Why, what's happened?
REGINA: I am mortified… (Pause, she looks at him)
MORENO: (exasperated) Will you tell me what's wrong?
REGINA: Nothing, everything's in order. It's just that the 
supervisor is busy right now.
MORENO: Busy! His initials! How long does it take for his 
initials? 
REGINA: In fact he promised me he'd get right to it. As soon as he 
gets a moment. Calm down.
MORENO: It takes ten seconds to initial a certificate!
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (sniffing the air. Confiding to Moreno) Take a 
whiff. (Sniffs) Do you smell it now? Powerlessness. 
MORENO: (to himself) Christ almighty!
REGINA: The supervisor prefers to check, you know, before putting 
his initials on a certificate. You can't blame him. It's a 
question of responsibility. Don't take it personally. 
MORENO: Let's drop it, madam. I get the picture… (In somber 
despair) The whole morning is shot!
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (to Moreno) Oh, young man, so you finally 
understand the way things work in this place. Welcome to the 
club, congratulations. (He holds out his hand for a handshake, 
but Moreno doesn't take it. Then Chiocchioloni laughs) You'll 
see how everything gets easier now. (Brief pause) Now that we 
have a bit of time, young man, I've been wondering… Would you 
mind telling me what you had to do that was so important?
MORENO: (raising his voice) Yes I'd mind!
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (pleased) That's what I thought. (Shows the 
certificates to Regina) Signora Regina, we can take care of this 
while you're waiting for Salvanti's initials, can't we? Here you 
go, everything's ready… Ready, in a manner of speaking. (He 
drops the certificates on the counter) Check them over , please, 
and take your time, no hurry. (To Moreno without letting Regina 
hear) See how it's done?
REGINA: (taking the certificates) Who's dead now?
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (to Regina) It's all written here, dear madam, in 
black and white. (To Moreno) No way of getting around that black 
and white, young man. 
REGINA: (referring to the certificates) No!
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (thinking she means his last statement) Yes indeed.
REGINA: (holding the certificate) Codini, the professor! …The one 
with seven daughters?
CHIOCCHIOLONI: Ah… You were talking about Codini. No, not the 
professor. Is that what's written there?
REGINA: Yes, take a look… (She points to the certificate) 
"professor", see? Oh, Mr. Moreno you can't imagine what a sad 
situation the professor was in. He wanted a son more than 
anything, but every time he came here it was to certify the 
birth of a baby girl. I'd tell him not to worry…
MORENO: (interrupts) Ma'am, please, I'm really not interested.

(Chiocchioloni gestures in disapproval to Moreno, without being 
seen by Regina)

REGINA: Well, you certainly should be interested! You people are 
all the same, you just couldn't care less, indifferent, that's 
the word for you, completely indifferent! What do you care 
about? Your silly old certificates. The professor, on the other 
hand, he set a fine example. Always ready to help others. What 
was his first concern? Helping his students, helping his fellow 
man. Ah… What a pleasure to talk to, and now he's gone, the poor 
thing. (About to cry).
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (sure of himself) Now, now Regina, no need to get 
upset. It isn't him, he's just got the same name. 
REGINA: (caught off guard) Little old man? (pause) Are you sure, 
Chiocchioloni?
CHIOCCHIOLONI: Absolutely sure. Do you realize that  homonimity is 
one of the most distressing phenomena of this century? A 
fascinating field of study to be sure. If you had more time I'd 
explain a Russian scholar's theory on the topic. It's wonderful, 
have you got the time?
REGINA:  Me, time? Today is a bad day, Chiocchioloni, what else 
can I say? Be good and I'll get things underway for your 
certificate.
CHIOCCHIOLONI: Whatever you say, madam! (Winking secretively to 
Moreno, not wanting to be heard by Regina) See how it's done?
MORENO: Ma'am, ma'am, remember my certificate, please.
REGINA: But yours is already being processed. Even though you 
don't deserve it (smiles) I'd say yours is just about finished, 
(flirtatious) my dear Mr. Moreno. (She walks into the back 
office with Chiocchioloni's papers).
MORENO:  It's about time… (He snorts. Then to Chiocchioloni) You 
know something?
CHIOCCHIOLONI: No.
MORENO: Want me to tell you?
CHIOCCHIOLONI: If you want.
MORENO: I'd really like to know who you are. What do you do for a 
living? I mean, are all those your… Those, what do you call 
those scraps of paper you gave to the lady?
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (pronouncing clearly) Death certificates.
MORENO: Right. Are they your relatives? Cousins? Mere 
acquaintances?
CHIOCCHIOLONI: ...Any other questions ?
MORENO: No, it's just that you're always joking around… How can 
you joke with that pile of certificates there, and… (Curious) 
How many were there? Five?
CHIOCCHIOLONI: Excuse me, but a few minutes ago did you tell me 
what you had to do that was so important?
MORENO: No, but…
CHIOCCHIOLONI: "No", see? So why should I tell you something about 
myself now? Huh?
MORENO: (spreading his arms, to himself) Where the hell am I?
CHIOCCHIOLONI: The Office of Vital Statistics, in case you don't 
know. And believe me, you haven't seen anything yet. Come here, 
Sandretta, let's sit down. This morning seems promising. (he 
rubs his hands together. Then he sits at the table with 
Sandretta. Moreno paces).
FAUSTO: (a moment later. He finishes writing). Finished. (to Ines) 
Now what can I do for you, Miss?
INES: Yes, as I was saying, I'm here for a marriage.
FAUSTO: Whose marriage?
INES: I beg you pardon.
FAUSTO: Who's getting married?
INES: I am.
FAUSTO: Fine. (He takes out a form) When?
INES: I don't know, next week maybe.
FAUSTO: No, we have to post the bans at least fifteen days before. 
You know, they have to be made public… It's the rule.
INES: Well if that's the rule… In fifteen days then.
FAUSTO: Twenty's better if you take my advice.
INES: Very well, make it twenty.
FAUSTO: Name?
INES: Ines Zyp. (Pronounced Zipe).
FAUSTO: What?
INES: Ines Zyp (she spells) I, N, E, S…
FAUSTO: Yes, yes, then what?
INES: Zyp, Z, Y, P. "zipe".
FAUSTO: (giving her the form) Write it here please. (She writes) 
Thank you. And the name of the husband to be?
INES: I don't know. (Pause – everyone looks at her).
FAUSTO: What do you mean, "I don't know"?
INES: (smiling flirtatiously) I don't know… Yet.

(Chiocchioloni is interested as he approaches the MARRIAGES 
window. He gestures to Moreno to follow him. Moreno is curious too 
and he follows Chiocchioloni)

FAUSTO: (to Ines) Listen, if you want to get married, you have to 
know.
INES: (still flirtatious) But I don't know yet.
FAUSTO:  What kind of answer is that? Excuse me, but who did you 
reach this decision with?
INES: (sultry) I decided on my own. 
FAUSTO: Ah, and so what do you suggest I write here on the form 
where it says (he points to the form) "name of future husband", 
hmm? (she doesn't answer).
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (logical) Unidentified.
FAUSTO: (with disapproval) Chiocchioloni!
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (to Fausto) Why, what's the problem?
FAUSTO: Chiocchioloni, this is no day for jokes!
CHIOCCHIOLONI: But I'm serious. Why, can't you write unidentified?
FAUSTO: No, I can't!
INES: Excuse me, but if I have to wait twenty days… A lot can 
happen in twenty days.
CHIOCCHIOLONI: That's very true.
FAUSTO: (hesitant) No, it can't be done and that's that. Good-bye. 
(He gets back to work).
INES: Why don't you want to help me? (Pause, Fausto works) Please…
CHIOCCHIOLONI: (in confidence) Fausto, you never know with these 
foreigners. If I were you I'd ask Salvanti about this. It seems 
like a classic "supervisory" case to me. (To Moreno) What do 
think, young man?
FAUSTO: Oh, so Chiocchioloni would ask the supervisor! …Give me a 
break, would you, Chiocchioloni! (He goes back to his work).
MORENO: Excuse me, but why not? If the young lady wants to do it 
that way…
FAUSTO: You stay out of this!
SANDRETTA: (timidly) The worst that can happen is they'll cancel 
the bans, Mr. Fausto.
CHIOCCHIOLONI: Good point, Sandretta.
FAUSTO: (to Sandretta, paternalistic) You, young lady, shouldn't 
pick up your boss's bad habits. I've said it a thousand times. 
One Chiocchioloni is more than enough around here.
REGINA: (looking in) Fausto, can you come to Salvanti's office for 
a moment?
FAUSTO: (moving off) Excuse me…
CHIOCCHIOLONI: This is your chance, Fausto. Ask him. Do it for the 
young lady.
FAUSTO: I wouldn't dream of it. (Exits with Regina)


/.../

N.B. The on-line available text includes the beginning only. To get
the complete script contact the author directly: e-mail
infogatto@andrea-jeva.it (N.B. Remove the name of the animal from the address)